I'm not a good little consumer...

Not only for the fact that rather than the "buying and throwing things out" cycle, I often use freecycle to get and give stuff away, thus robbing large companies of revenue and the government of potential tax money. Darn me.

Currently though, the reason I am a poor consumer is that I'm far, far too over-analytical about television commercials. I don't watch an awful lot of TV. However, I do read into, overanalyze and get huffy about advertisements at will. When I see a poorly executed, awkward, or disjointed commercial, I get cranky and sometimes downright angry. I want to write companies and tell them how counterproductive their ad was (probably only to me). But then I realize I don't care about them.

Cases in point:

1. A commercial for a daily shower spray: a woman extols how wonderful it is, and how it's equal to the crowd of minority women in maid uniforms scrubbing the shower behind her. "Same time tomorrow?" she asks them as they file away, dejected and sweaty. Um... So, Spokeslady, are you really implying that you're not using the product you're advertising?

2. A local commercial for a dentist's office: The dentist himself is the spokesperson. He looks very much like a vampire who also happens to be a pedophile...in the mafia. He goes on and on about how you need not fear any pain at the dentist--they completely sedate you during your...procedure. Brrrr. Just...brrr.

3. A lending company commercial: a woman illustrates the simplicity of going online, applying for a loan, and ding! you're approved. The laptop she holds up to demonstrate... has clearly been jimmied in post-production in order to show the full-screen logo of the company. It looks about as convincing as a piece of paper taped to the screen.

4. I'm a pacifist, but I want to personally shoot to their gory, bloody deaths, every "hip" dancing @sshole in every Verizon V-Cast commercial. They're not just enjoying life like the folks in iPod commercials. They're not quirky and likeable. They are pointedly obnoxious, self-important wastes of space. And they should die. That goes for anyone who plays the song, "My Humps" in public.

5. It's not Comcastic. It's a rip-off. When you can get VOIP from Voice-Pulse or Vonage for $25 unlimited long distance, and Comcast claims their $40 package is "teh awesome," I have to snort derisively. Pardon. Add onto that a gentleman seductively caressing his phone and playing the tune to "Loving You" on the buttons, and I have to... er, puke derisively. Particularly with that off-key pseudo-orgasmic howling moment at the end of the commercial. No man should love a phone that way. NO. MAN.

Rant over. I think perhaps the best solution is to never watch TV.

Quick Comic Review: Married to the Sea

Married to the Sea is a daily one-panel treat wherein the two authors post a humorously captioned or altered historic print. The humor often is based in the fact that their captions are so darn inappropriate for the subject matter in terms of era and lingo.

Warning: you may not laugh if you don't find cusses funny.

Check out their MySpace site, where you may indulge in photos of many zesty hipster youths wearing MTTS swag.

This comic rates my "Daily Read" Star of Excellence (which has something to do with the fact that it's posted daily, but has mostly to do with its keenness level).

It looks just like you, Percy.

I hardly ever sit down intending to find a previously undiscovered yet interesting webcomic. They tend to somehow find me, almost. In the midst of all the possible moving weirdness and such recently, I've actually stumbled over several lovely examples.

What does it take for me to adore and read all the archives of a webcomic? I was thinking about this lately. My top reads vary wildly, but there are some things that hold true for all of them.

1. Interesting art. You don't have to be Michelangelo, but if the look of something bores me to tears in the obligatory ten or so strips I afford every comic, it's going to have to be a no. It can be as simple as Patches or as complex as Lowbright. If you have skill, it shows. Here are some sub-points under the "art" heading.
--For god's sake, don't--DON'T try to cop Akira Toriyama. I don't even like it when Toriyama does it, much less you. Sloppily drawn, spikey haired, wanna-be anime pointy faced protagonists will not even garner 10 pages worth of attention.
--This is not to say that manga-style comics will be discarded out of hand. There are some very skillfully done series I do love in that style. I can appreciate it done right.
--If you're not able to consistently draw recognizable characters, you're not ready to make a web comic. If I have to guess who's speaking, or who someone is from panel to panel, I get cranky and end up just clicking over to Boing-Boing or somewhere.

2. This may be classified partially under art, but I realllly appreciate good character design. Part of that is the look of a character, but also included is that person's (or thingy's) actual character and personality. Again, consistency is a good thing. I may roll my eyes at what your character just did, but if it makes sense within their motivations and mindset, and the story is worthwhile, I'm generally okay with that. Not to say you have to have some sort of static yahoo--It's also interesting to see characters grow or change, and when it's done well (a difficult thing), I applaud it.

3. The obvious points are important, like setting and story. I've had exposure to a lot of webcomics in my day. I also have good pattern recognition (not in the technical/Gibson sense, but in the "I recognize and associate visual stuff fairly well, even over long periods of time" way.), so if you're ripping off another webcomic, you're not going to get much love from me. Unless you do it SO better than the original.
More subpoints:
-- The web is flooded with comics about snarky, hip, twenty-something pals living in an apartment, talking about relationships, and then drinking too much and seeing silly things. Unless you think you can somehow do it better than Questionable Content, (I DOUBT IT) do yourself a favor and try something else.
-- A comic that someone earnestly tries to turn into a forum for political or other causes usually makes me yawn. I have a "Not Agaaaain" alert that goes off when I am within 50 paces of someone who's taking themselves or their comic too seriously. Sure, make a few political jokes here and there. Point out some social issues now and then. But don't harp on it. Please don't make long, inescapable rants about it. Please?
-- Is there an interesting story or clever writing in there? That's how I know I've stumbled over something worthwhile. I mean to read 10 or so, and suddenly find I'm at the end of the archive and it's however much later. It doesn't have to be epic and grand. It doesn't even have to be a "story" per say. Hecks--some of my favorites have no words sometimes. But whether visual or via words, the writer's saying something I have to be intrigued or entertained by to bother.

4. You may be as silly as you want, with my blessing. If the art and characters are interesting, and the writing is clever, you can get away with a multitude of things.

That time again...

Well, it's happening already; The neighbors are beginning the annual month-long Fourth of July celebration, which means we can sit on the balcony and get free fireworks displays. *claps like a second grader* Last night it was the neighbors across the street from our house, which meant that when we had our nightly hang-out time on the porch (on the back of the house), all we got were flashes and the sound of the fireworks going off. Ah well. It was interesting, at least.

Things have been even more insane than usual around here, with a couple possible moves in the works with new jobs for the Boy. It was busy enough with the idea of one possiblility. Now there are two. We've been frantically fencing phone calls, emails, packages and paperwork, and researching like crazy, and the Boy has been attending various interviews along the chain.

Strangely, if it happens, I'd actually be okay with the idea of moving. I would miss my friends dreadfully, but it would force me to be more intentional in emailing and calling. Neither possible destination is more than a day's drive from where we are now, so that's a comforting thought.

Then again, we might just stay right here. I'm honestly, actually, shockingly...okay with any of the above. It could be an adventure either way.

The Cause

Alert! Achtung! Are there any of you planning to go to Cornerstone Music Festival this year who haven't gotten your ticket yet? If so, you should consider buying your tickets online. When you are purchasing, enter "street team member" code: 37k610. This will help Sandy from Germany to be able to go.

She stumbled over a couple of my Cornerstone photos on Flickr, and sent me an email about how she's trying to raise enough points to get into the festival. She's never been to C-stone before, and she's already dropping mega-cash on the plane ticket, so it would be a nice favor if you know anyone who's going to buy tickets to get her the final points toward her pass.

It doesn't cost you anything extra--just a couple seconds of your time.

There's more info on Sandy on her MySpace page, here..

Score!

One of our Memorial weekend activities consisted of the Boy and I going on down to Micro Center, which is a massive orgy of nerdery and computer parts... I mean, a large computer/tech store.

Before that, we gorged ourselves on excellent sushi (oh glory!)at Nobana, an offshoot of the wonderful Noble Fish.

Back to the tech stuff. I flag rather quickly at places like that. Not that I don't love technology... It's just that it's a big place, I do not speak the language fluently, the Boy flits from place to place exclaiming and examining things, and I eventually just trail behind him in a bit of a daze. Not necessarily a bad thing. I usually end up going over and gawking at things in the Apple section.

In any case, this time when we left, I had a super-cool tablet! I've been using Painter IX to make art--so much cleaner and cheaper than busting out the oil paint and canvas. The smell of linseed oil is a happy memory from my childhood, but it's nice not to have to deal with dirty rags and paint water. Sooo, I've been having fun with the fact that it's pressure sensitive, so you can sketch in varied darknesses of pencil strokes, depending on how hard you press while you're drawing on the tablet. Hooray tablet!

Hooray also for the freaking out-of-the-blue baby freaking grand piano the Boy has finagled for me!! We're giving our current one to one of his coworkers, and then we'll have room for it. Don't get me wrong--I'm fond of my current piano, but even tuned, it's got that plinky, metallic sound common in consoles. It's hard for me to love listening to it. I grew up with a full upright that had a rich, round sound to it, and that's what I desperately miss sometimes. But no more!!

Hooray for unexpected good things!

My Head A Splode

Here you go: CUTENESS

Only watch if you have the fortitude to handle the head-exploding cuteness of an adorable singing three year old.

Small Stories: There are babies, and there are babies

On my way into Target the other day, I passed a girl leaving in tears. I had the typical wash of concern, but she was on her way so quickly there was nothing I could do but I continue with my business. This sounds odd, but I wouldn't have really thought about her again if I hadn't swung by the restroom before leaving.

I pushed open the door and spent an awkward couple moments navigating around a mother and her multiple tiny people in their various strollers and shopping carts in order to get to the only open stall. She was trying to keep everyone under control, and though the kids didn't seem bratty, persay, they were FULL of energy, and the desire to crawl beneath stall doors. The mother wrangled them fairly successfully, fortunately.

Then, as I was leaving my stall, I noticed, in the wastebasket, the box for a pregnancy test. Even if I hadn't seen the girl crying, and even if the flock of babies weren't outside, I think it would have made an impression. Somehow I don't get the sense that someone buys a pregnancy test and takes it immediately, alone in a Target bathroom, if everything is okay. It makes me sad.

Maybe I'm making connections that don't exist. Maybe the crying girl was upset about the impending Britney/K-Fed breakup. Yes. I can pretend a hopeful girl took the test and was thrilled with the result, or that a worried woman took it and was relieved by what it said.

Wow....just...wow.

According to Fark, this is what happens when a frustrated novelist writes for the police blotter.

I'm not going to write a commentary on the article in question because it would all just come out too...mean.

Tenses! Spelling! Punctuation! Usage! Grammar!

Sorry. That just popped out.

Small Stories: Moth-er

When I worked in the mail room at my school, we sometimes got odd things through the mail slot. Gum wrappers, a frisbee, etc.

A little before Mother's day one spring, I heard the plop of something dropping through the "outgoing" slot and a while later went over to sort whatever had just arrived. Strangely, it was a little white envelope that lacked an address, return, or stamp. All it said, written carefully in marker in the middle of the front, was "Moth er."

Inside was a home-made card, complete with glued construction paper and stickers. "Mother!" it said, "You are the best mother. Happy mother day." Following were a collection of X's and O's.

Some kind little person took the time to hand make a card for their mom. The same little person folded the edges so it would fit into an envelope, sealed it, and walked all the way to the college to put it in the mail slot. Surely, in the same way that letters to Santa are delivered, the postman would know to give the little gift to "Moth er. "

The little person probably waited for Mother to get her card, and wondered why it didn't arrive. I hope they weren't too sad when they realized it wasn't coming.

Blind people audio books

We've been poking at audio books, and have stumbled over several that we can only conclude must have been recorded for the blind. The bland gentleman reads the copyright, the dedications, the back cover--everything. And then there was this little aside:

"The maps printed in this book will not be included in this recording."

Does that seem strange? Are maps ever included in audio recordings?

"Um, there's an island kind of shaped like...well, I want to say a..shoe? A boot maybe? It's right next to the big compass, and uh... it's got some little drawings of trees and that seems to be a bird...? A mountain, maybe?"

Small Stories: Fortune Cookies

I was in Chicago for a photography class, and a couple friends and I were wandering around to find a place for lunch. We decided to head for the Chinese buffet nearby. As we passed a homeless woman, she asked if we had any spare change for food, and since we only had debit cards, someone asked, "Why don't you just come to lunch with us?" She was surprised, but accepted.

I was a little uncomfortable at lunch, for which I still feel guilty. Rhonda, the homeless woman, talked a little about her past. She was in her forties--she'd been on the street for five years or so. She had two kids somewhere. She looked down at her plate and paused. "But I wasn't much of a mother to them." She said she felt like being homeless was a hole that you just can't reach high enough to get a handhold to climb out of. She'd stopped trying to climb out.

We didn't say much about our comparatively cushy college lives. The bill arrived, with requisite fortune cookies, and we all took turns laughing about our "mysterious strangers" and lucky numbers.

Then Rhonda slowly read her fortune, which said," It's not too late to change the path you've taken."

Everyone was quiet for a little while.

Sora, Donald, Goofy!

I'm playing Kingdom Hearts II for the PS2....and sweet mother of mercy! Can anyone address the three main characters in any other way than reciting their names in an unnatural chant? When I see three friends, I don't exclaim, "Bill, Fred, Maximillion!" in the same way I'd say, "Schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" Instead, I say "Hey, guys!" or "Avast, ye landlubbers!"

Well, I can feel it coming on.... I suppose this is going to be a game review. As mothers always say, "If you can't say anything nice, make something up, and then go ahead and rage about the bad stuff."

First of all, disclaimer: this is my personal opinon. You shouldn't let it rock your world.
_______________________

So... nice things.... niiiice things.....um.... Actually there are several. First, second and third would be Tron, Tron and TRON. I've always loved the film. The environment and music were great, and getting to actually control a light cycle was tres awesome. I bet that blind, warm and fuzzy nostalgia is how the designers wish I felt about every world in the game.

More positives: Well, the game is pretty. That's unarguable. Special attacks yield blossoming fireworks and colorful flashes. The character design (Disney and Square both) is fun to look at, although there were a few similar characters that could have been Sephiroth's love-children. There are also some interesting things you can do with "forms." ie: Your character can transform temporarily for higher stats, and is able to use two swords at once, which is a worthy addition. Limit breaks are also employable. Finally, it's (almost) always entertaining to see Final Fantasy characters, though it's a little weird to hear Cloud seriously mutter the word, "Goofy." Another thing I thought was fun was Timeless River, the black and white world of "Steamboat Willie," where even current characters took on the 1928 Disney animation look. The rest of the enjoyable aspects were mostly things that were established and carried over from the first game. (theme music, etc.) Oh, and one last thing: I always love a moogle.

The bad: If this tells you anything, at this point, I'm playing the game out of sheer stubbornness. The worlds may be pretty, but so far, they're uninteresting, straightforward and flat. They're tiny. No secrets or mysteries--nothing to collect. At least in the first game, one had the entertaining challenge of finding little balconies and ledges with treats on them, or leaping and gliding to interesting places. I've been looking. Believe me. I just don't see those sorts of places in this game. This far in, I can't see suddenly discovering there's a whole new world (pardon the pun) on the rooftops above Agrabah.

One massive annoyance is the simple existence of Atlantica. How does this make sense: "The universe is in peril! Only we can save it!...What? You want us to sing and dance in your ridiculous undersea musical extravaganza and waste countless precious hours we could be using to save the world?? .....Sure!!" I loathed Atlantica in the first game. Why would I like it now, when there is absolutely no reasonable explanation for me being there?

I hear that unless you complete every one of the thousand or so semi-impossible nit-picky missions Jiminy records in his journal, you don't get the "special ending." Just...screw you, Jiminy.
I don't need a special ending that badly. That's what YouTube is for.

I can have a passable good time by only poking around at the things I'm interested in--fighting matches, completing smaller missions, finding special "gummi" pieces for ship building, etc. But this doesn't further the story at all. To keep things interesting, the Boy and I, giggling like middle schoolers, designed a giant spaceship shaped like something I couldn't show my mother. The Penny Arcade guys would be proud.

Update: I actually finished the game tonight. The last hour or so was about as enjoyable as the eternal screech of nails on a chalkboard. Maybe I'm just an old-fashion kind of girl, but when I beat a boss, I prefer to have them stay beaten, not morph into some larger, uglier version of themselves and declare that we're going to throw down again. (somehow that's sort of *more* okay in Final Fantasy. Not completely okay, but less aggravating.) More button mashing, more inexplicable retarded pseudo-philosophy about "light and dark," more stale Disney platitudes about friendship and hearts... The Boy will bear witness to the fact that I carefully ran through my entire vocabulary list of cusses several times to make sure I had not skipped any.

"Why?" you may ask. Why would I bother finishing it? Because I'm stubborn and dumb, that's why. I kept hoping that something earth-shatteringly cool would happen. It did not.

Kingdom Hearts II gets 5 stars out of 10. Because I'm generous that way.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who would (and probably will) send hate-mail declaring, "OMG!!!1 your a moran its the awesomest game EVAR!!1!! FU!" Just as an FYI - Don't bother. I'll delete your comment. You can vent over at IGN or somewhere. Move along, now.

Small Stories: Deer at the Door

A few years ago, my brother-in-law was working on someone's house in a woodsy area across the road from a large, gated property with tall hedges. As he was standing in the driveway, a bizarre-looking deer came jogging out of the trees. (As a side note, Michigan deer are tall, sleek, and slender, and that particular "deery" color of brown.) This one was practiacally white, tiny and stunted looking, and decidedly fuzzy.

The guys stopped what they were doing to watch the grizzled little deer as it trotted along. As if the sighting of a peculiar deer weren't enough, it made a beeline for the large gates at the property across the road. It marched up and down for a few seconds, obviously wanting to get in. Then the gates slowly opened. The deer briskly waltzed inside, and the gates closed again behind it.

We learned later that the property was owned by an eccentric European collector of different breeds of deer, but I don't think that makes the story any less bizarre or entertaining.

Oh--and...

Thanks a bundle to those of you who submitted names for the little felt creature. Jane suggested a mixture that incorporated Anna's cute suggestion as well: I shall call them Feltsies. Individually, they'll have their own little names, but as a species (?) they are Feltsies. Thank you to both Anna and Jane! Thanks! Thanks!!

Question: Does anyone know the likelihood that Nintendo would sue me for sewing and selling a spoils bag like the one in Zelda: Windwaker? I sewed one a few years ago, and gave it away. I'm thinking now that someone might have paid for something like that. Hmmm.

Ninjas+Pirates: The Eternal Clash

I have discovered another webcomic worthy of note. Prepare yourself for

The Adventures of Dr. McNinja!

He's not just a ninja--he's a doctor.

The art is fun, but the writing is what makes me snicker uncontrollably. That's something that not many online comics are capable of. Many of them are humorous, yes--but this one has a dry, sharp wit that's relentless. The character of Dr. McNinja is all at once stealthy, bumbling and full of melodrama.

Dr. McNinja: Okay...Dinosaur in my office. How could that be? The door should have been locked.

(Pause)

Dr. McNinja: Oh! They are extinct! Dinosaurs are extinct! Dinosaur can't be in the office (his eyes narrow) because it should be extinct.

It reminds me of the comics drawn by that really smart but goof-off kid who used to sit behind you in algebra. 'Nuff said.

Contest alert!

This little guy is the result of a sewing machine test from the other day, and I thought it was fun, despite the half finished seams and randomly mismatched thread. I'm thinking I might make some proper varieties for Etsy, but then there's the issue of what to call them. Anyone have any ideas?

Something short and cute oughta do it, but I'm drawing a blank.

Submissions are welcome--I will profusely publicly thank whoever submits the winner!

In honor of that little guy:

I bought some plain white baby onesies when I got home from visiting Teeny Will and family at the hospital, I made this:
As I told my sister, "It's cute! It's a robot! It's cute-bot!" I'm thinking I will make more cute-bot items for selling on Etsy. Incidentally, that is a link to my little shop. I don't have an awful lot in it at this point, but I figured it's better to stick something in there than wait forever until I feel like I have enough stock. If you have any requests or suggestions, just let me know!

It's a...boy?!

Strangely, after several months of being told she was having a girl, my sister had a baby boy this morning. All is well.

William Edward Nightingale, 7 pounds 7 ounces.

Status: cute

The Department of Labor

It is currently 1:15 AM, and my sister has just called to say she's at the hospital in labor. Freakin'-finally. She sounded exhausted, but at least she gets to evict Tiny after all this time.

Just wanted to pass the word to those of you wondering what's been going on.