A Letter to the Creators of Suikoden IV.

Dear Suikoden IV Designers -

What drastic and stupid thing happened between Suikoden III and Suikoden IV? Please read my January 17, 2004 post regarding III. It wasn't a perfect game, but it was detailed and highly enjoyable after the first 4 hours. I've actually played it again since then.

Now re-read the few negative points I made about III. Those also apply to IV. Apparently, you didn't attempt to revamp the rough areas of the game. Instead, you just made them rougher. And also, I have to assume that there was an internal memo regarding Zelda - Windwaker and Dark Cloud II that stated, "Feel free to use any of the fun ideas from these games. However, recreating these in any way that could be construed as enjoyable will result in immediate discipliary action up to and possibly including termination or being buried neck deep in a fire-ant nest."

I enjoyed the sailing aspect of Windwaker. You could see distant tantalizing islands, the clever bit about the many map-painting fish was entertaining, you could land anywhere you darn well pleased, and the steering mechanism made some sort of SENSE. On the other hand, there is S.IV, which has a huge map which requires you to slloooowwly traverse EVERY SQUARE INCH in order to see any islands. Lord knows I would have liked to have seen those islands on the horizon, but for some mysterious reason, on this ocean, one doesn't realize an island is there until you're practically crashing onto the beach. Oh WAIT. You CAN'T sail onto the beach, because when you're about a quater-mile away from the damn island, your ship inexplicably heaves itself around, and regardless of your efforts, steers itself firmly away for much too long a period of time. What. The. Hell. The encounter rate alone on the ocean made it near impossible to go anywhere without ripping large chunks of my hair out.

Someone thought the idea of fishing from Dark Cloud II was a good one. But the effect is like taking a big bite of a s'more and realizing that someone made it with a lump of white spray insulation instead of a marshmallow. It looks good until you try it. Like the sailing, all vestages of fun were carefully drained from a good idea. Everything is wrong, detail has been stripped away, leaving a sad shadow of a fishing game that repeatedly plays a mocking noise when you inevitably break your line or lose a fish. Fuck you.

Designers, I can only assume that it was fear of some malevolent project coordinator that kept you from using the interesting multiple-character chapter method that was used in III. Or laziness, maybe?

Also worth note is the fact that the character design in this game is BARELY interesting, and the more interesting bits are unintentional. The silent protagonist runs as though he sat rather hard on a substantially large stick for the first few hours of the game. Even after the change out of his initial ridiculous culottes (remind me of the unflattering "gym shorts" the girls at my dread Southern Baptist junior high were forced to wear. *shudder*) he wears retarded "little pants." At least he walks slightly more naturally. (as if only a small stick were up his ass now)

Sad. Very sad. I don't understand why anyone making or testing the game would not have realized what a pile of crap it is, and how un-fun it is to play. Thank God I rented instead of buying.

Even after all that ranting, I still acknowledge there are some good things about the game. There is a point after which you can make your characters run very, very quickly. Comes in handy when you're bolting around trying to figure out what the next trigger point is. Also, the idea of a huge ship being the base you establish is interesting.

Bleh. Good and bad weighed, S. IV only comes in at 2 out of 5 stars.

2 Things. Probably more.

1. Britney Spears and Mrs. Federline-Spears are making their own reality tv show, apparently. Now instead of just occassional spots on VH1, the grateful public will get regular glimpses of their moronic and dubious relationship. Sing from the rooftops!

2. The Boy and I (for some reason) really like the Discovery show, American Chopper. We're not really the kind of people that watch a motorcycle building show regularly, I think. BUT... American Chopper has about the best interpersonal exchanges and relational dynamics of any reality show I've ever watched. Honestly. Again... that is probably not the reason it's popular with people in huge trucks.

Cast:

Senior - massivly muscled middle aged shop owner. Soft on his younger son, Mikey, and hard as crowbar on his older son, Pauly. Senior has a very "old school dad" feel. Deleriously happy? The corner of his handlebar mustache twitches. Grouchy? EVERYONE RUN.

Pauly - Older son (31). Fantastically brilliant chopper fabricator. Regular guy, with a wife and little daughter. Does his own thing in the shop, and almost without fail, it turns out beautifully. Most of the time, he manages to be completely deaf when his father is bellowing at him from 2 feet away. Sometimes loses his cool and bellows back.

Mikey - younger son (20s). Plays the idiot, because he knows it means he can get away with not working and most times, Senior ends up snorting and trying not to laugh instead of raging. I can't decide if he's really as shallow and incompetant as he seems, or if it's some sort of defense mechanism against his father taking him seriously and treating him like Pauly.

Vinnie - complete saint who steadily and quietly works away with Pauly while Senior stomps and rants around the shop. Close friend of Pauly's.

Rick - basically ditto of above, except he and Pauly are not as close.

Mike - Some schmuck from the shop who occasionally shows up on the show and tries to steamroll the design so he can hotdog for the camera and get on Senior's good side. Perfectly willing to step on anyone he thinks he can get away with stepping on. Even not being a fabricator, I can see his work is shoddy, and his ideas generally suck.

Having seen enough of the show to have a bit of a handle on the relationships, you begin to appreciate smaller things:

Senior's 1974 Sunshine chopper is dragged out for restoration, and Senior takes a long look at it. His ears turn pink, and you know how incredibly proud he is of that bike, and how much he's loved it. He refers to it in the feminine. In some respects, he's very like my dad.

Senior goes ballistic because he suddenly decides there are too many drinks around the shop. He roars something about severe consequences, and forces everyone to pick up pop cans etc before they can continue the bike they're working on. Later, he feels bad, but instead of apologizing, he hovers a bit near the build, asking Pauly questions about his plans in a slightly sheepish way. Very dad-like.

In any case, I recommend seeing the show at least a few time to appreciate the priecless familial interactions.