Now Hear This...

This afternoon I received an email from a gentleman who informed me that he was seeking an amputee and has finally found her. I asked if he would mind writing a little something for "When I Drop Dead," and I hope he will oblige.

I've been thinking about announcements, in light of what I wrote earlier...
I became more attuned to overhead pages after I was trained at the bookstore. "You should be calm and professional," we were told. "The page should only draw attention from people who are listening for it." Nonetheless, we've had some interesting overhead pages resound though the store. There was the time that someone picked up the phone, pressed "page" and boomed, "Thanks for calling, this is W. how can I assist you?" Or back when a now-former employee (known for his habit of whining) pressed "page" and asked that a manager call 233, but neglected to hang up when he was distracted by the fact that the manager was within speaking distance. "When can I take my break? (break...)" echoed around the store. "You said I could take it awhile ago, but blah blah whine whine... (echo echo...) Customers paused, staff snickered.

I have a dear friend who has much more in the way of cajones than I. She was amused by the way the pleasant female automated voice announced, "Attention Meijer guests: there is no waiting in...lane...twenty...three." So one day back when she was in high school she made a Meijer page of her own. "Attention Meijer guests: there is an orgy in...lane...sixty...nine." Management was not amused, but all the baggers were.

Not too long ago I was in Meijer late at night on a desperate search for something-or-other. Meijer is a kooky place late at night. Just me, some sleepy eyed parents buying cough syrup, a few questionables circling the liquor aisle, and an army of shelf stockers...
When without warning, a pleasant male voice came onto the overhead:

Booop. "Attention Meijer guests: I am not wearing any pants."