I'm not a good little consumer...

Not only for the fact that rather than the "buying and throwing things out" cycle, I often use freecycle to get and give stuff away, thus robbing large companies of revenue and the government of potential tax money. Darn me.

Currently though, the reason I am a poor consumer is that I'm far, far too over-analytical about television commercials. I don't watch an awful lot of TV. However, I do read into, overanalyze and get huffy about advertisements at will. When I see a poorly executed, awkward, or disjointed commercial, I get cranky and sometimes downright angry. I want to write companies and tell them how counterproductive their ad was (probably only to me). But then I realize I don't care about them.

Cases in point:

1. A commercial for a daily shower spray: a woman extols how wonderful it is, and how it's equal to the crowd of minority women in maid uniforms scrubbing the shower behind her. "Same time tomorrow?" she asks them as they file away, dejected and sweaty. Um... So, Spokeslady, are you really implying that you're not using the product you're advertising?

2. A local commercial for a dentist's office: The dentist himself is the spokesperson. He looks very much like a vampire who also happens to be a pedophile...in the mafia. He goes on and on about how you need not fear any pain at the dentist--they completely sedate you during your...procedure. Brrrr. Just...brrr.

3. A lending company commercial: a woman illustrates the simplicity of going online, applying for a loan, and ding! you're approved. The laptop she holds up to demonstrate... has clearly been jimmied in post-production in order to show the full-screen logo of the company. It looks about as convincing as a piece of paper taped to the screen.

4. I'm a pacifist, but I want to personally shoot to their gory, bloody deaths, every "hip" dancing @sshole in every Verizon V-Cast commercial. They're not just enjoying life like the folks in iPod commercials. They're not quirky and likeable. They are pointedly obnoxious, self-important wastes of space. And they should die. That goes for anyone who plays the song, "My Humps" in public.

5. It's not Comcastic. It's a rip-off. When you can get VOIP from Voice-Pulse or Vonage for $25 unlimited long distance, and Comcast claims their $40 package is "teh awesome," I have to snort derisively. Pardon. Add onto that a gentleman seductively caressing his phone and playing the tune to "Loving You" on the buttons, and I have to... er, puke derisively. Particularly with that off-key pseudo-orgasmic howling moment at the end of the commercial. No man should love a phone that way. NO. MAN.

Rant over. I think perhaps the best solution is to never watch TV.