The Super Secret Diaries of Bella Swan

So, to start... I'm not a fan of the Twilight series.  Let me just say that up front.  I bear no ill will toward those who like it, but god knows I can't stand characters like Bella--self absorbed, morose, helpless twit.  I prefer my female literary characters with a little brain and backbone, thanks.  That's just me.

Anyway, knowing this, my friend Tif commissioned a Twilight themed birthday package from a young friend of hers in high school who makes some lovely jewelry over at Etsy.  She'd like to become a writer someday, and I think she has the talent and cleverness to do it!

In any case, the most amusing thing in a pile of amusing things was a beautifully made replica of Bella's very own journal.  I was most moved by the contents, which I will transcribe here for all to see. I was so moved that I had to immediately call Tif to do a dramatic reading.

____________________________

When I opened it, a pile of glitter fell out.  The inside cover says in red marker:

This UBER SPARKLY diary belongs to Bella Swan.  If you don't return it, I'll sick my super sparkly boyfriend on u!!

First entry:

Today I arrived in Spoons.  It's pretty lame here.  My lame mom dropped me off then Charlie - my dad or whatever - picked me up and gave me this crappy truck.  I told him I liked it.  Loser.   Anyway, it's pretty depressing with all this rain.  I think I'll begin my role as the weak 2d character by bitching some more and then crying myself to sleep.
       Later,
              BS

First day of school sucked.  Everyone hates me.  Like, even the teachers.  Good thing I'm really smart and hot though. One good point was seeing these gorgeous, if stuck up, peeps at lunch.  One of them is in my biology class.  What a prick.  I hope he stalks me.
        - BS

Charlie's making me cook and clean.  Srsly, I hate Spoons.  Edward--that one hot guy--talked to me today.  It was magical.  His lips change colors and he ditches class a lot to go frolic.  He also watches me sleep.  How sweet is that??
        -BS

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been obsessed trying to figure Edward out.  I've been like researching everywhere. I don't know why I didn't like see it before.   Pale skin....  color changing lips...  the frolicing....

Edward Cullen is a unicorn.

When I told him I knew, he asked if I wanted a ride.

Of course I did, lol! Right before my eyes he totally changed into a white horse with a rainbow tail and shiny horn on his head.  He began running around, ripping up twigs with his hooves and stuff, saying I should keep away, because he's way too magical for my human mind or whatever.

So we rode on for like ever --which is how long he'll live, BTW.  Nice.
    - BS

PS. OMG HE SPARKLES!!!

A list:

he's hot
he's gorgeous
he's godly
he's hot
he's beautiful
he's made of alabaster
he's sculpted from marble
he's hot
what personality?
he's magical and hot

I'm, like, running out of nouns to describe him!

OMG, hang on I need to go cut my wrists--running out of ink.   (blood splotches)
 Better!  <3,
             BS